Hidy-ho-ho-ho my dear friends. This week I'm watching the "classic" National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation with my snark on. Growing up, I thought this and the Vegas one were the only Griswold family movies. Let's roll.
I'm still not sure how I feel about this opening song.
This cartoon Santa is almost as much of a stupid clumsy bitch as Clark Griswold is. He's literally destroying this house, just like (spoiler) Clark will throughout the entire 97 minute run time.
God this car-carolling is every kid my age's parents.
Oh hey Russ in this one is Johnny Galecki from The Big Bang Theory. Still playing a whiny bitch.
So... B-list Scientologist Juliette Lewis asks what they're doing. Isn't this something you ask before you get in the car?
You don't fuck with a wood-panelled Taurus driven by Chevy Chase, according to Chevy Chase.
Seriously though, what kind of degenerate puts his family in danger like this? How insecure do you have to be?
Shit son, they're under the truck. Maybe this is where Fast & Furious got the idea. No crossing demographics there I guess.
Taurus got good air there. Man, Ford vehicles were indestructible back in the day.
They're walking through the knee-deep snow around trees that are like 1,000 feet high. I'd hate my family if they made me do this.
Whoa, just how did they manage to pull a tree out of the ground like that??
I forgot Elaine from Seinfeld was in this. Why are she and her husband wearing sunglasses at night, though?
Hey Griswold, where you gonna put a tree that size? Bend over and I'll show ya. BOOM.
Tree broke the house, mom.
I hate the nickname Sparky. So much.
Ooooh 80/90s Chicago. That city's buildings are so timeless. Were Da Bears better then, though? [Pops over to Google... yep, better]
Whoa a Christmas bonus at this place was enough to put in a pool? I miss pre-recession economics.
OMG the department store scene. Clark is such a perv here. WHOA, pretending he's divorced so he can hit on this saleswoman?!? Dude, in what world? (I guess one where he's married to Beverly D'Angelo...)
Yeah, you and me both:
Aww, son came and cock-blocked him.
DING DONG THE IN-LAWS ARE HERE.
Seriously, these people are all so lazy that no one can get up and open the damn door? Its Illinois winter out there.
Oh mom's mom is the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond.
They didn't even park their cars? I guess lazy breeds in the Griswold family tree.
Oh it's time for the Christmas lights, the thing that defines the middle part of this movie.
Aren't you always supposed to have a spotter at the bottom of the ladder? For like, exactly these reasons?
I almost feel bad for the douchebag couple next door. Clark's ridiculousness cost them in the tens of thousands by the end of this movie.
Everybody Loves Raymond Mom is a bitch, though, about the lights not working. Never a need to kick someone when they're already down.
Oh shit, grandpa's reading Juliette Lewis' Sassy magazine. I was just too young to read that, but I definitely know it's not suitable for gramps' twinkly eyes.
Other gramps was looking at a poster on the ceiling of Johnny Galecki's room. No idea who it is, though?
Hahaha he got hit in the face by the attic slide-down stairs. That never gets old.
Everybody Loves Raymond mom didn't even check if someone was up there before closing the stairs. Seriously man, bitch.
No one's even checking if he's coming? There's only like 8 people in this house.
Are all attics this big? I've never been in one before. I always thought they were really more like crawlspaces.
I believe every rumour about Chevy Chase being an asshole. I can't explain it, but he's just one of those guys you can just tell is a fucking prick. He also does the asshole stuff way too easily in this movie.
Damn, that family did real well on their Christmas shopping outing. Took me like 4 separate trips to get stuff for 6 people.
OK, that legit would have crushed Beverly D'Angelo there. National Lampoon's Christmas Trip To The ER (OMG, and the "ER" would have been the ER from "ER" because it's set in Chicago too!)
Like, are we supposed to hate this couple because they're having sushi and wine for Christmas Eve? Like, they're a childless power couple and they can do what they like.
And that light display is tacky as hell. There I said it.
There's a lot of Chicago sports team represented in this movie (Bears, Blackhawks and Cubs). Must be nice to have good sports teams in your town, even lovable losers like the Cubs.
Ohhh boy here's Randy Quaid. Did you know this guy's living as a refugee in Canada now? Work that one out.
"Drive you out the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?" Clark says to his poverty-stricken, socially-retarded cousin. But yeah, he's allllll about the Christmas spirit.
I forgot about the pants-piss-inducing toboggan ride.
OMG Randy Quaid's short-bus children have the best reaction. Derp all over the damn place.
It's the Melakalikimaka pool fantasy. A PC version of the Phoebe Cates scene from Fast Times At Ridgmont High.
The sicko in me really thought the Quaid daughter was walking in on Clark cranking it against the window, or at least with a raging hard-on. I'm so sorry, but I cannot suffer that alone.
I hate children, but kids believing that Santa isn't coming for them is seriously heartbreaking. Real talk: I live in a renters section of an affluent neighbourhood in Toronto, and I heard that on Halloween parents give out two types of candy: good candy for the kids who actually live there and shitty candy for the kids who came in from other areas for said good candy. I'm not sure if it's true (why/how could I even test that without getting arrested), but if it is, that's fucking sick isn't it??
He's been out of work for seven years. Katherine says he's holding out for a management position. Doesn't everyone know someone like this?
Uh-oh it's the really old people!
Wow a lot of stuff catches fire during this meal.
Oh shit now Beverly D'Angelo's dad makes a cutting comment to Clark: "It was an ugly tree anyway." Like, that was a family's Christmas tree you judgmental piece of shit.
Oh, the part where Clark get his Christmas "bonus". "And if there's enough left over I'm going to fly you all down to dedicate it." I'm still in awe of someone getting a Christmas bonus.
But it's subscription to a Jelly-of-the-Month club. No bonus is one thing, but getting that instead? Damn, that's worse than a middle finger. That's fucking COLD.
Watching Clark's massive rant, all I see is that they have a super old Mac computer.
Wow, Clark becomes totally unhinged. He's carrying around a chainsaw inside the house. This is actually a horrifying household to be in.
Haha the tree falls into the power couple's dining room, and then it's dragged out like nothing's happened. Add that to the lawsuit.
Oh he cuts a new tree from the front lawn. But, couldn't they have just cut this tree in the first place? Instead of going out into the middle of nowhere and risking your family's health like 6 times over?
The squirrel scene. Dude, just open the door and it will probably run out. But no, sociopath Clark Griswold is going to beat it to death. Like, that's his first option.
And then the dog destroys what's left of the house trying to find it. Then Clark finally opens the front door and it nails Elaine. Clark just closes the door. Closes. The. Goddamn. Door.
Seriously, she could sue him for all his future Christmas bonuses.
In walks Randy Quaid with Clark's boss. He fucking kidnapped him. And he kidnapped a rich guy too. He's going to fucking prison. Quickest trial in Illinois history.
Yep, here comes the Fuzz. Busting through the windows and breaking down doors like a goddamn SWAT team.
Oh yeah, the filthy rich man has an Ebenezer Scrooge change of heart in under 10 minutes. When in reality, Clark's joining Randy Quaid in the unemployment line.
One last explosion (this time from the old guy's stogie match into the sewer Randy Quaid contaminated) and it's time for the national anthem I guess.
Right, I'm off to decorate the Christmas tree (hopefully bought from the Canadian Tire up the street, not the fucking woods) and I will try to be back for one more movie before the big day but if not...
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