Snark-Watch: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Hidy-ho-ho-ho my dear friends.  This week I'm watching the "classic" National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation with my snark on.  Growing up, I thought this and the Vegas one were the only Griswold family movies.  Let's roll.

I'm still not sure how I feel about this opening song.

This cartoon Santa is almost as much of a stupid clumsy bitch as Clark Griswold is.  He's literally destroying this house, just like (spoiler) Clark will throughout the entire 97 minute run time.

God this car-carolling is every kid my age's parents.

Oh hey Russ in this one is Johnny Galecki from The Big Bang Theory.  Still playing a whiny bitch.

So... B-list Scientologist Juliette Lewis asks what they're doing.  Isn't this something you ask before you get in the car?

You don't fuck with a wood-panelled Taurus driven by Chevy Chase, according to Chevy Chase.

Seriously though, what kind of degenerate puts his family in danger like this?  How insecure do you have to be?

Shit son, they're under the truck.  Maybe this is where Fast & Furious got the idea.  No crossing demographics there I guess.

Taurus got good air there.  Man, Ford vehicles were indestructible back in the day.

They're walking through the knee-deep snow around trees that are like 1,000 feet high.  I'd hate my family if they made me do this.

Whoa, just how did they manage to pull a tree out of the ground like that??

I forgot Elaine from Seinfeld was in this.  Why are she and her husband wearing sunglasses at night, though?

Hey Griswold, where you gonna put a tree that size?  Bend over and I'll show ya.  BOOM.

Tree broke the house, mom.

I hate the nickname Sparky.  So much.

Ooooh 80/90s Chicago.  That city's buildings are so timeless.  Were Da Bears better then, though?  [Pops over to Google... yep, better]

Whoa a Christmas bonus at this place was enough to put in a pool?  I miss pre-recession economics.

OMG the department store scene.  Clark is such a perv here.  WHOA, pretending he's divorced so he can hit on this saleswoman?!?  Dude, in what world?  (I guess one where he's married to Beverly D'Angelo...)

Yeah, you and me both:

Aww, son came and cock-blocked him.

DING DONG THE IN-LAWS ARE HERE.

Seriously, these people are all so lazy that no one can get up and open the damn door?  Its Illinois winter out there.

Oh mom's mom is the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond.

They didn't even park their cars?  I guess lazy breeds in the Griswold family tree.

Oh it's time for the Christmas lights, the thing that defines the middle part of this movie. 

Aren't you always supposed to have a spotter at the bottom of the ladder?  For like, exactly these reasons?

I almost feel bad for the douchebag couple next door.  Clark's ridiculousness cost them in the tens of thousands by the end of this movie.  

Everybody Loves Raymond Mom is a bitch, though, about the lights not working.  Never a need to kick someone when they're already down.

Oh shit, grandpa's reading Juliette Lewis' Sassy magazine.  I was just too young to read that, but I definitely know it's not suitable for gramps' twinkly eyes.

Other gramps was looking at a poster on the ceiling of Johnny Galecki's room.  No idea who it is, though?

Hahaha he got hit in the face by the attic slide-down stairs.  That never gets old.

Everybody Loves Raymond mom didn't even check if someone was up there before closing the stairs.  Seriously man, bitch.

No one's even checking if he's coming?  There's only like 8 people in this house.

Are all attics this big?  I've never been in one before.  I always thought they were really more like crawlspaces.

I believe every rumour about Chevy Chase being an asshole.  I can't explain it, but he's just one of those guys you can just tell is a fucking prick.  He also does the asshole stuff way too easily in this movie.

Damn, that family did real well on their Christmas shopping outing.  Took me like 4 separate trips to get stuff for 6 people.

OK, that legit would have crushed Beverly D'Angelo there.  National Lampoon's Christmas Trip To The ER  (OMG, and the "ER" would have been the ER from "ER" because it's set in Chicago too!)

Like, are we supposed to hate this couple because they're having sushi and wine for Christmas Eve?  Like, they're a childless power couple and they can do what they like.

And that light display is tacky as hell.  There I said it.

There's a lot of Chicago sports team represented in this movie (Bears, Blackhawks and Cubs).  Must be nice to have good sports teams in your town, even lovable losers like the Cubs.  

Ohhh boy here's Randy Quaid.  Did you know this guy's living as a refugee in Canada now?  Work that one out.

"Drive you out the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?" Clark says to his poverty-stricken, socially-retarded cousin.  But yeah, he's allllll about the Christmas spirit.

I forgot about the pants-piss-inducing toboggan ride. 

OMG Randy Quaid's short-bus children have the best reaction.  Derp all over the damn place.

It's the Melakalikimaka pool fantasy.  A PC version of the Phoebe Cates scene from Fast Times At Ridgmont High.

The sicko in me really thought the Quaid daughter was walking in on Clark cranking it against the window, or at least with a raging hard-on.  I'm so sorry, but I cannot suffer that alone.

I hate children, but kids believing that Santa isn't coming for them is seriously heartbreaking.  Real talk: I live in a renters section of an affluent neighbourhood in Toronto, and I heard that on Halloween parents give out two types of candy: good candy for the kids who actually live there and shitty candy for the kids who came in from other areas for said good candy.  I'm not sure if it's true (why/how could I even test that without getting arrested), but if it is, that's fucking sick isn't it??

He's been out of work for seven years.  Katherine says he's holding out for a management position.  Doesn't everyone know someone like this?

Uh-oh it's the really old people!

Wow a lot of stuff catches fire during this meal.

Oh shit now Beverly D'Angelo's dad makes a cutting comment to Clark: "It was an ugly tree anyway."  Like, that was a family's Christmas tree you judgmental piece of shit.

Oh, the part where Clark get his Christmas "bonus".  "And if there's enough left over I'm going to fly you all down to dedicate it."  I'm still in awe of someone getting a Christmas bonus.

But it's subscription to a Jelly-of-the-Month club.  No bonus is one thing, but getting that instead?  Damn, that's worse than a middle finger.  That's fucking COLD. 

Watching Clark's massive rant, all I see is that they have a super old Mac computer.

Wow, Clark becomes totally unhinged.  He's carrying around a chainsaw inside the house.  This is actually a horrifying household to be in.

Haha the tree falls into the power couple's dining room, and then it's dragged out like nothing's happened.  Add that to the lawsuit.

Oh he cuts a new tree from the front lawn.  But, couldn't they have just cut this tree in the first place?  Instead of going out into the middle of nowhere and risking your family's health like 6 times over?

The squirrel scene.  Dude, just open the door and it will probably run out.  But no, sociopath Clark Griswold is going to beat it to death.  Like, that's his first option.

And then the dog destroys what's left of the house trying to find it.  Then Clark finally opens the front door and it nails Elaine.  Clark just closes the door.  Closes. The.  Goddamn. Door.

Seriously, she could sue him for all his future Christmas bonuses. 

In walks Randy Quaid with Clark's boss.  He fucking kidnapped him.  And he kidnapped a rich guy too.  He's going to fucking prison.  Quickest trial in Illinois history.

Yep, here comes the Fuzz.  Busting through the windows and breaking down doors like a goddamn SWAT team.

Oh yeah, the filthy rich man has an Ebenezer Scrooge change of heart in under 10 minutes. When in reality, Clark's joining Randy Quaid in the unemployment line.

One last explosion (this time from the old guy's stogie match into the sewer Randy Quaid contaminated) and it's time for the national anthem I guess.

Right, I'm off to decorate the Christmas tree (hopefully bought from the Canadian Tire up the street, not the fucking woods) and I will try to be back for one more movie before the big day but if not...

Cycnical 30 Year Old Watches Miracle On 34th Street

The movie starts off with Macy’s Cole’s Thanksgiving Parade’s Santa taking in a few pulls of bourbon.  We’re off to the races.  That this guy was close enough to get to the staging area is a history lesson of pre-9/11 New York.

Damn Real Santa gets pretty unhinged here.

Did they not vet this Santa for such a high-profile event?  Or have another one on standby?  Like, what if he got the flu?  Or was murdered by a hobo?

So Mom comes home and her daughter is gone, and there's a video cued up for her to push play.  You don’t even see the Brian guy, just him picking her up and taking her out of the frame.  More like Taken From 34^th Street.

Aww precocious kid doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.  In about 15 years she’s probably not going to believe in marriage either.  Or meat.

We’ve got our bad guy – the head of the competitor department store.  He’s literally sitting in an all-black room with a chess board.   I think he also played the bad guy from one of the Bill & Ted movies.  I’m glad this actor has found his niche.

Oh shit, his assistant is Richard Wright from Sex and The City.

The almost/sorta family sits down to a glorious Thanksgiving dinner.  Brian’s 90s hot in this. 

Real New York Brian would be spending Thanksigiving buried under coke and prostitutes.  Instead, he’s spending it squarely in the friendzone.

I wonder how Santa manages to live in Manhattan though.  Like, what does he do for rent and stuff?

Gaaaahhh an avalanche of children.  This is literally my worst nightmare.

Oh the bad guy store is called Shoppers Express.  Cold. Unfeeling.  Selling gum guns.  No wait, giving them away to sad children.  They look like storm troopers.

Damn, Shoppers Express is selling some blow-up swimming action figure thing (whatever the kid said) for like half the price of Cole’s.  No wonder Cole's needed a two-bank bailout.

Whaaaaaaat Allison Janney is in this?  Telling off the GM for overselling stuff.   Yet, she says she’s coming to Cole’s for all of the things, despite them being like twice as expensive as everywhere else.  I don't think she understands how money works.

But GM and Mom are implementing the “if we can’t find it we’ll find it for you” campaign, proving that in every movie, when Allison Janney speaks, you fucking listen.

Except that this plan only works if Santa works all year round.

Bad guy is berating Richard Wright and OMG Daphne from Frasier about why they didn’t come up with that idiot plan.  Neither of these places deserve to succeed.

Isn’t Brian a New York lawyer? How in the name of Klaas-Jan Huntelaar does he have all this time to stand in line with a kid who isn’t his to see Santa?

Also, Susan is hardcore judging Santa.  She’ll be the funnest girl in the dorms when she hits college.

And then he tells Santa that Susan and Mom are “non-believers.”  Like they’re Suppressive Persons for Scientologists.  Maybe that’s why Mom doesn’t like you, bro.  Bigot.

Nope, it’s because he asks Mom to come back to his place and try out the Mistletoe.  Dude.  No.

Then Mom’s all, Oh but you can take my kid home for me, though.  Thaaaaaanks.

Jesus Christ, Santa lives in an old-folks home in Harlem??  And Richard Wright and Daphne give him a lift home after catching him shooting the shit with a rando reindeer.

I wonder if the cops bring him into the home all the time and are all “Yeah, he was feeding a reindeer again. The zoo people have asked him repeatedly to leave them alone.  Seriously, we don't have time for these shenanigans."

OMG it’s the deaf kid scene.  Right in the feels.

Damn, Santa sadsack party at the bar.  The place where children’s innocence is in tatters on the floor.

Meanwhile, Brian arranges a “really good babysitter” and it’s Old Man Reindeer-Whisperer.

Just so he can take Mom to Times Square?!?

Susan tells Santa that if he’s real, he’ll get her a house, a brother and a dad.  Resorting to emotional blackmail.  Poor Santa looks fucking miserable now.

What the fuck, Brian’s already popping the question.  After one actual, real date.  After she’s said no to countless dates with him, and never having said she wanted to get married.  Girl, RUN.

“I do everything to make you happy, and asking for nothing in return.”  Dude, you JUST asked her to marry you. 

Now Drunk Santa makes a scene at Cole’s.  And is now following him down the street and provoking him.

Wow, there are a lot of witnesses and photographers to the aftermath.  Where were they when this actually happened?

Noooo, he’s sitting sadly by the window with the saddest music.

So now Mom’s freaking out about her job and he calls Brian.  Real New York Brian would be all, “Well, well, well how the tables have fucking turned.”

Has there ever been a movie in the 20^th or 21^st century where the press didn’t "have a field day"?

God the change in mood for Santa is so sad.  RIP, Richard Attenborough.

So Cole’s takes a page out of Susan’s manipulation for youngsters handbook and says “If you don’t believe this man who is charged with assault isn’t Santa Claus, you’re an asshole.”  Even the teamsters get behind it, though.

It’s like the Christmas version of “support our troops.”

I don’t think I’ve seen one person of colour in this movie yet (who wasn’t an extra in the courtroom).

Brian fucking subpoenaed a child.  And the prosecutor’s wife.  Mom says no and he’s hell-bent on ripping through everyone else’s families like a goddamn tornado.

“My workshops don’t exist in the physical world! They’re in the dream world!” Logic: airtight.  Has this ever held up in a courtroom?

Real talk.  A looooonng time ago I was watching the news around this time and some guy answered the question of how he’s able to travel the world in one night, he said “Santa just snaps his fingers, and there he is” and I screamed back at the TV: then why does have the reindeer, sir? Why. Does. He. Have. The. Reindeer. SIR.

I kind of like the prosecutor.  He knows he’s a prick and he gives no fucks about it.

Isn’t Brian and the Judge discussing the case when court is adjourned a conflict of interest?

So the kid just skips up to the judge’s bench while court is in session?? Surely she would be held in contempt.

New York City stops dead just to hear this verdict.  But not cyclists.  NEVER cyclists.

OMG and the prosecutor’s like, my kids want to make you stop by, and Santa’s all “Oh, I’ll see you real soon.”  Like, you’re going to get fucking robbed, sir.

So, if Santa didn’t win, how would he have done Christmas this year?  Like, how would that have worked?  And wouldn't it have reinforced the argument that Santa didn't exist?

Mom’s got a date at the church this Christmas Eve.  As does Brian.  Set up by the Beard-o.

This is a forced marriage.  What. The. Hell.  This would be my reaction:

Jesus Christ that house is huge.  Unrealistically so for such a small family.  At least the Home Alone family had like twelve kids.

I wish someone would give me a house like that, though.  That’d be sweet.  I promise I’ll believe in Santa.